Declarative Language Examples for PDA: A Practical Guide

Declarative language is one of the most powerful tools for supporting someone with PDA. Instead of telling them what to do (which their nervous system perceives as a threat), you share information, make observations, and invite collaboration. This guide provides practical examples you can use right away.

What is Declarative Language?

Declarative language makes statements rather than giving commands. It shares information without requiring a specific response. The key difference:

Imperative (command): "Put your shoes on."
Declarative (statement): "I notice it's raining outside. Shoes might keep our feet dry."

The declarative version shares the same information but leaves the decision with the child. Their nervous system can relax because there's no demand to resist.

Why Declarative Language Works for PDA

For PDAers, demands trigger a threat response in the nervous system. Even reasonable requests can feel overwhelming. Declarative language works because it:

Removes the demand structure that triggers avoidance
Preserves the child's sense of autonomy and control
Provides information they can use to make their own choice
Reduces anxiety by lowering perceived pressure
Keeps connection intact rather than creating a power struggle

Important: Declarative language only works when it's genuine. PDAers are highly attuned to hidden agendas. If you're using declarative phrasing but still expecting compliance, they'll sense it. The goal is connection, not a cleverer way to get compliance.

Morning Routine Examples

Getting Dressed

Instead of: "Get dressed now."

"I see your favorite shirt is clean today."
"It's pretty cold this morning. I'm wondering what might feel cozy."
"Your clothes are on the chair whenever you're ready."
"I noticed the soft pants are in your drawer."

Breakfast

Instead of: "Come eat your breakfast."

"Breakfast is ready on the table."
"I made some toast. It's warm right now."
"I'm wondering if your tummy might be feeling hungry."
"The cereal box is out if anyone wants some."

Leaving the House

Instead of: "Put your shoes on, we need to go."

"The car is leaving in about five minutes."
"I notice it's getting close to the time we talked about."
"Your shoes are by the door."
"I'm putting my coat on now."
"The ground outside looks wet today."

Mealtime Examples

Coming to the Table

Instead of: "Dinner's ready, come to the table."

"Food is on the table."
"I made pasta. It's hot right now."
"Dinner's ready whenever you want it."
"I'm sitting down to eat now."

Eating

Instead of: "Eat your vegetables."

"There are some carrots on your plate."
"I put a little bit of everything out."
"Bodies sometimes like different foods on different days."
"I'm curious which thing you might try first."

Bedtime Examples

Starting the Routine

Instead of: "Time for bed."

"I notice it's getting dark outside."
"The clock says 7:30."
"Bodies often start getting sleepy around this time."
"I'm going to start getting ready for quiet time."
"Your bed is all cozy and ready."

Brushing Teeth

Instead of: "Go brush your teeth."

"The toothbrush is on the counter."
"I'm going to brush my teeth now."
"I wonder if the mint toothpaste or the strawberry one sounds better tonight."
"Teeth like to feel clean before sleeping."

Staying in Bed

Instead of: "Stay in bed."

"I'll be in the living room if you need anything."
"Your body knows when it's ready to sleep."
"The nightlight is on."
"I'll check on you in a little while."

Transition Examples

Ending Screen Time

Instead of: "Turn off the tablet."

"I notice you've been watching for a while."
"The timer will go off in five minutes."
"I'm wondering what might feel good to do next."
"Screens can make eyes feel tired after a while."
"I was thinking about getting a snack."

Leaving a Fun Activity

Instead of: "We need to leave now."

"The playground closes soon."
"I'm noticing you're having a lot of fun."
"We can come back another time."
"The car will be ready to go when you are."
"I'm starting to feel tired. I might head to the car soon."

Homework and Learning

Instead of: "Do your homework."

"Your homework folder is on the table."
"I noticed you have some math tonight."
"I'm here if you want any help."
"Some people like to get homework done before dinner."
"I wonder which subject feels easiest to start with."

Hygiene and Self-Care

Bathing

Instead of: "Go take a bath."

"The bath is ready with warm water."
"I put bubbles in the tub."
"Bodies sometimes like to feel clean."
"The bath toys are in there."
"Warm water can feel really relaxing."

Hand Washing

Instead of: "Wash your hands."

"I'm going to wash my hands before we eat."
"The soap dispenser is full."
"I notice there might be some dirt from playing outside."
"The warm water feels nice."

Tips for Using Declarative Language

1. Match Your Tone to Your Words

If your voice sounds frustrated or impatient, the declarative phrasing won't work. Your child will pick up on the hidden demand. Take a breath and genuinely release the expectation before speaking.

2. Be Prepared for Any Response

True declarative language means accepting whatever choice your child makes. If you'll be upset if they don't comply, you're not ready to use declarative language for that situation yet.

3. Start with Low-Stakes Situations

Practice declarative language when it doesn't matter as much. As you get more comfortable and your child's nervous system learns to trust this new approach, you can expand to more challenging situations.

4. Use Observations About Yourself

"I'm feeling hungry" or "I'm going to put my shoes on" can be more effective than observations about your child. It removes any sense of surveillance or judgment.

5. Don't Expect Immediate Results

If your child has learned that your words usually contain hidden demands, it will take time for them to trust that declarative language is different. Stay consistent and patient.

When You Need Help in the Moment

Switching to declarative language takes practice. In stressful moments, it's hard to think of the right words when your own nervous system is activated. That's exactly why we built Gentle Ally.

Just describe the situation you're facing, and Gentle Ally generates 5-6 personalized declarative language options instantly. No prompting needed. Just support when you need it most.